Final Will and Testament

I know I haven't posted yet this week, but it's with just cause. I am busy. Also, I'm going under the knife in less than 24 hours. This entry won't be following my prior pattern of recalling past times, but this is a must. After TWO pre-op discussions with both the hospital and my surgeon's office, I have the distinct need to post this somewhere - what better place than here? In the event that I don't wake up at all, I do wake up but succumb to alcohol/alcohol mixed with pain drugs poisoning post-op or my body rejects the upgrade and what should've gone down in the books as my biggest victory to date becomes my coup de gras, I would like to memorialize herein the following:

to my Mom: the Steelers season tickets (that I still owe her money for), my 401k and life insurance policy and all other investments (more than likely it will take the majority of this to pay off my school loans - but whatever is left needs to be split evenly between my six minions, I mean nieces)

to my eldest sister: my wardrobe (minus specifics that are laid out below), the password to my blog and Facebook account to ghost post (like 2-Pac) for years after I'm gone, 2 equal splits of whatever money mom has left from my life insurance/401k

to my first brother-in-law: my electronics collection (cause honestly, who else is going to know how to use them?), including both of my big screen tvs (put one in your bathroom - you know you want to)

to my eldest sister's eldest daughter: my Uggs (despite the fact they will never fit your feet, ever) and my Honda Accord (it needs an oil change and has for like 3,000 miles - oh and the tags expired yesterday, so it also needs inspected)

to my eldest sister's youngest daughter: my denim, pants, skirt and dress collection (when you are 5'9" at 13, you will thank me) and my jewelry collection minus specifics mentioned below (including prior engagement rings - yes, plural you read that right)

to my older sister: my shoe and hand bag collection, a giant bag of tic-tacs in my closet, 4 equal splits of whatever money mom has left from my life insurance/401k

to my older sister's oldest daughter: my keyboard

to my older sister's second oldest daughter: my camera and my phone (after your mom deletes all the contents on both)

to my older sister's third oldest daughter: my pink sapphire and diamond ring and my blue sapphire and diamond ring

to my older sister's baby daughter: my sports equipment (I'm going out on a limb here and hoping you'll be the athlete)

to my "cousin" SM: my cat, Oreo and all of my knitting supplies (you're welcome)

to my exes that I no longer speak to: eternal damnation for being selfish, manipulative pigs

to the Pennsylvania State University and University of Houston: all my debt for a bullshit degree and the biggest FUCK YOU, ever

to the world: my everlasting legacy, bitches